Have you ever find yourself in a state of shock, hurt, pain, disappointment and later anger?
Shocked in the way we as humans have the ability to make each other feel so loved, accepted, embraced, understood but then seconds later can floor another by foreseen or unforeseen circumstances, misunderstandings, choices or decisions. Maybe if you look at it from the place of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, the greatest part of human interaction, relationships and intentions are not to hurt those we love, but the one on the receiving end still experience most of this as disappointing, hurtful and sad. Hurt, because how can someone do this to us? Why do we feel so hurt? Especially when your loved one did not wanted to cause you pain, but still we do. Does not matter if this is a true reflection of the health of the relationship or not, it hurts. Pain and hurt most probably could hold hands. Although for me, pain can be so deeply felt. Maybe this could also be physically felt and could also be hidden or denied. You get use to pain, you learn to manage it. Still disappointed, because for a moment you want to believe this is personal, or it brings forth doubts. Your loved one did something you never expected, while we put so much pressure on ourselves and our loved ones. Or sometimes it is just the bad decisions our loved ones make that break our hearts.
On this journey to puzzle the pieces of life together after a disappointment, it makes me wonder if there is an antidote for the pain that we will cause those we love, or if we can become immune against it. Is this what makes the human experience real? Well, hopefully this is not the full extent of the experience. Someone once said, I am giving up humans and I am into dogs now. Regardless we as humans want to feel connected, loved, accepted and special. Getting a dog could help, could even tick all those boxes, that is if you into speaking dog. Athough, I am not convinced that the animal experience can trump human connection, but I guess the risk is lower to getting hurt or for causing pain.
Then again, for me, in the moment of pain, sadness and disappointment the desire to escape the feelings and run back to the place just before the pain was caused, becomes overwhelming. The temptation to not go through it, to not feel it, to not park here, becomes too real. Even in trying to wish it away, it still lingers, it lingers like a tooth ache. You can kind of go on with your day, but you are so aware of the discomfort. Yet, we do not get taught how to just feel pain. Like most of the emotions seen as ‘bad’, we either wish it away, deny it long enough till we think it is gone or spiritualise it away. Could be a great long weekend solution if you have enough painkillers, vodka or an unlimited credit card. Unfortunately not sustainable. At least not sustainable if the relationship is important to you, or living true to your heart is either. Maybe the long weekend can become a summer holiday, just get more stash I guess. I have recently realised that no emotion is bad, they are all a legitimate gauge of your human experience and should equally be embraced. Felt. Celebrated.
Still, in these moments, I feel as lost as a suitcase that by accident dropped from the haul of the bus just before the door closed at the random bus stop in the middle of the desert and I am left out in the sun and heat. Getting dropped out is not the worse part. The worst part might be the time between being dropped till reconciliation with your journey again. Or is this your journey now? Sometimes that can become an uncomfortable ordeal. Feeling the heat. The sun blazing down on you. The lack of a breeze. Lack of direction. The subtle hopelessness and anxiety of what if this phase never pass. What if I am left out here in the heat and scorching sun to die. As real as this might feel. The odds are against it, but the reality of the moment too real.
The greatest part of getting your heart broken, disappointed, hurt etc. When last have you seen someone with a cast around their heart? Or their heart in a sling? Your heart is the main part of you that keeps you alive, but yet. We just continue as if nothing has happened. So many of us walk around daily with a ‘dislocated’ heart or heart ‘fractured’. In my life, relationships are very important to me. But mostly, I did not know how to actually digest disappointments, hurt or pain caused. Partly because of the misconception about previously mentioned ‘bad’ emotions and a cultural heritage of the favourite ‘under-the-carpet’ syndrome. Yet, it is my responsibility as a human, committed to living truly from my heart, to embrace all emotions. And my favourite saying comes into play, honesty brings intimacy.
So as I journey through learning to feel, embrace and park off with any emotions. My palms start to sweat. But my heart feels warm. Because it is only after feeling, embracing and sitting with an emotion that one can give the supernatural step of forgiveness. Also only in the moment of this feeling that you can invite Truth and Life into the emotion. For me this journey is like starting to walk. One step at a time. You might slide back into previous grooves and habits but if you stick around and push through the awkwardness of the unknown, then only do you feel what being human is actually all about.